the sitch
ok, this is an email i wrote already (in response to my sister telling me to be strong, healthier, safe and brave), and i've decided to copy and paste it because i'm just that lazy....
"as for me being strong.... i seriously almost quit yesterday (loooooooong story. far longer than i plan to write about). i wrote a huge email explaining my reasons and asking for advice, but then i had a 2 hour talk with gustavo and he was great as usual and we figured everything out. i'm still stressed and mad at my superiors (i asked for an extention for my holiday and was refused. i had asked because the staff in khartoum had given my national doctor 2 months off without bothering to ask me how it would affect the women's centre. they did it to save themselves money because otherwise they would have to pay to fly her back to khartoum again in 2 months. they get to save money and i get to do two people's jobs for 2 months. i see her patients all day and i am on call for births 24 hours a day. on fridays, as everyone else is relaxing for their one day off a week, i'm doing deliveries. maybe i'm just burned out, i don't know. but if i am then it's the fault of the staff in the capital and the least they can do is give me a couple of days longer when i finally get a holiday. the national staff get to extend all the time, but not the expats. one of the expats in the capital gets to take a month unpaid leave but i can't extend my vacation for 2 unpaid days. awesome) but for now i'm going to stay. gustavo is still fighting them to let me have more time off, telling them that its the most justified request he's ever seen (this is his diplomatic way of saying "she's about to have a nervous breakdown" :)
as for me being healthier....this place just isn't good for me. i've lost 10 pounds in the last month, my nights (when not doing deliveries) consist of dreams full of bloody murders or women hemorrhaging at deliveries, i have a huge cold sore (my mouth herpes) which likes to appear when i'm stressed out and worn down, it's so hard to get up in the morning that it actually hurts (even if i didn't have a delivery. i wake up at every sound because i'm so afraid of missing someone calling me on the radio). being on call every minute of every day is going to give me an ulcer at the very least- the radio makes a loud staticy sound every couple of minutes and i notice it every time.
as for me being safe.... it looks like someone (hmmm, i wonder who?) is trying to turn the people against the ngo's, which is easy to do in such a tense situation (ngos aren't wanted here by the powers that be, but they can't blatantly make us leave or scare us into leaving because they don't want the UN peacekeepers to come). there have been two incidents in the last two weeks where ngo workers were going to take water samples from wells in the idp camps and someone started rumours that they were going to poison the wells. the people they were there to help (the idp's, not the paramilitary) killed the workers. all of them. now the newest rumour is that people who are giving vaccines (us), food (us) and water (not us) are trying to poison the people. this tactic is pretty clever because if ngo workers were being killed by the paramilitary it would encourage the belief in the international community that outside intervention is necessary. if it is the idps killing us it's totally different. you think that people would never do that to us because they know us, they trust us, they love us... but the other workers that were killed had been working with those camps for 2 years already.
as for me being brave.... i'm ALWAYS brave, you know that :)
i've decided that i'm going to come home early, it's just a matter of how early. as kate said, the situation here may make the decision for me, but if not i think i'll come home early november, maybe earlier. i'm so burned out already and one month off to see everyone and have Christmas and be overwhelmed won't be enough for me to recover before i start med school. i have to be serious about med school and not start it on a bad foot. my staff are becoming more and more easy to train (in the last couple of days) and it's going to be hard (they have huge personal problems amongst themselves. yesterday one decided to resign and i was about to fire another one for lying about me. things are better today) but i think if we all commit to it, i can have them well trained in a few months and leave here feeling like i actually accomplished something and i didn't go through all of this for nothing."
ok, this is the best part of the response i got from my sister when i sent her this email....."Don't stay longer just to get your packages, I will buy you everything that I sent you again if you just come home".
lolololol
"as for me being strong.... i seriously almost quit yesterday (loooooooong story. far longer than i plan to write about). i wrote a huge email explaining my reasons and asking for advice, but then i had a 2 hour talk with gustavo and he was great as usual and we figured everything out. i'm still stressed and mad at my superiors (i asked for an extention for my holiday and was refused. i had asked because the staff in khartoum had given my national doctor 2 months off without bothering to ask me how it would affect the women's centre. they did it to save themselves money because otherwise they would have to pay to fly her back to khartoum again in 2 months. they get to save money and i get to do two people's jobs for 2 months. i see her patients all day and i am on call for births 24 hours a day. on fridays, as everyone else is relaxing for their one day off a week, i'm doing deliveries. maybe i'm just burned out, i don't know. but if i am then it's the fault of the staff in the capital and the least they can do is give me a couple of days longer when i finally get a holiday. the national staff get to extend all the time, but not the expats. one of the expats in the capital gets to take a month unpaid leave but i can't extend my vacation for 2 unpaid days. awesome) but for now i'm going to stay. gustavo is still fighting them to let me have more time off, telling them that its the most justified request he's ever seen (this is his diplomatic way of saying "she's about to have a nervous breakdown" :)
as for me being healthier....this place just isn't good for me. i've lost 10 pounds in the last month, my nights (when not doing deliveries) consist of dreams full of bloody murders or women hemorrhaging at deliveries, i have a huge cold sore (my mouth herpes) which likes to appear when i'm stressed out and worn down, it's so hard to get up in the morning that it actually hurts (even if i didn't have a delivery. i wake up at every sound because i'm so afraid of missing someone calling me on the radio). being on call every minute of every day is going to give me an ulcer at the very least- the radio makes a loud staticy sound every couple of minutes and i notice it every time.
as for me being safe.... it looks like someone (hmmm, i wonder who?) is trying to turn the people against the ngo's, which is easy to do in such a tense situation (ngos aren't wanted here by the powers that be, but they can't blatantly make us leave or scare us into leaving because they don't want the UN peacekeepers to come). there have been two incidents in the last two weeks where ngo workers were going to take water samples from wells in the idp camps and someone started rumours that they were going to poison the wells. the people they were there to help (the idp's, not the paramilitary) killed the workers. all of them. now the newest rumour is that people who are giving vaccines (us), food (us) and water (not us) are trying to poison the people. this tactic is pretty clever because if ngo workers were being killed by the paramilitary it would encourage the belief in the international community that outside intervention is necessary. if it is the idps killing us it's totally different. you think that people would never do that to us because they know us, they trust us, they love us... but the other workers that were killed had been working with those camps for 2 years already.
as for me being brave.... i'm ALWAYS brave, you know that :)
i've decided that i'm going to come home early, it's just a matter of how early. as kate said, the situation here may make the decision for me, but if not i think i'll come home early november, maybe earlier. i'm so burned out already and one month off to see everyone and have Christmas and be overwhelmed won't be enough for me to recover before i start med school. i have to be serious about med school and not start it on a bad foot. my staff are becoming more and more easy to train (in the last couple of days) and it's going to be hard (they have huge personal problems amongst themselves. yesterday one decided to resign and i was about to fire another one for lying about me. things are better today) but i think if we all commit to it, i can have them well trained in a few months and leave here feeling like i actually accomplished something and i didn't go through all of this for nothing."
ok, this is the best part of the response i got from my sister when i sent her this email....."Don't stay longer just to get your packages, I will buy you everything that I sent you again if you just come home".
lolololol
posted by Amy Osborne | 4:07 PM
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